dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
2010-04-17 01:28 pm
Entry tags:

This isn't going to end well

So, I might be preparing to write some Buffy fanfiction. A mixture of canon and non canon characters dealing with Dawn being stupid and trying to get the Key ripped out of her with magic. Bad bad bad things happen, being that A) she is the Key, it isn't just in her and B) Oh shit portals being ripped open everywhere.

I actually think that the time I have this set in, Buffy is still dead and everyone is grieving. Willow and Giles refuse to remove the Key from Dawn for the obvious reasons above, but does Dawn listen? No, because she's stupid. So she gets an acquaintance who saw the weird shit during Glory's attempted reentry to come with her to visit an old mage who specializes in such things. Cue incoming apocalypse when the spell goes bad. Think what Glory tore open in reality when she tried to escape our world only.... everywhere. Yay! And by yay, I mean boo.

The only other noncanon characters are two magic users of varying types (one's a psychic, similar to how Cordelia went in Angel, think migraine ow, the other calls these things into her that give her themed magic and personality changes, as well as eye glow) who get thrown into the situation by the guy's visions.

Fuck guys, I'm writing fanfic. About Buffy. I think I'm violating some kind of ancient code or something...
dieselsandwich: (symbol)
2010-03-15 05:18 pm
Entry tags:

Considering leaving LJ

I'm considering getting a proper blog for video game stuff, feminism stuff, biotech stuff and random life updates. I dunno, I just feel like no one really reads what I write here. Admittedly a lot of stuff is friendslocked and I don't have a huge number of friends, but still. I feel like my LJ is sorta useless and invisible and I know it's been making me write a lot less than normal.

Heh, maybe I'm just being silly. Lack of comments doesn't mean lack of readers. But I do feel like I'm just talking into a vaccuum. And it really just makes me feel like I ought to not bother talking at all. Or at least not here.

If there are accessibility issues making it harder to read my LJ, someone should let me know so I can fix it. I don't want to make it tough to see this stuff. Let me know, if anyone is still reading this LJ.
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
2009-12-15 11:11 pm

Ragnorok Online: Sense, your armor and clothing designs make none

Okay so I play an online massively multiplayer game called Ragnarok Online (RO). It's a mythology clusterfuck, admittedly (blends together Norse, Christianity, some Eastern mythos and all sorts of other stuff) but hey, it's a Korean game with cute little chibi characters and monsters that run the gamut between cute and unbelievably creepy, so not so bad. I do kinda dislike that one of the classes is named after a slur for the Rroma people, so I'll just etch that one out.

Well except for the Hydras (tentacle monsters) that attack with tentacles from the ground up. That's just the ridiculous kind of creepy, but I try to ignore stuff like that.

No, see what twigs me is the silly armor for the girl characters. Yeah, sometimes I play guy characters (the guy knights have this ridiculously cool armor, while the girl knights wear... bikini armor. *facepalm*) just to not deal with the silliness. Except that the guy characters' hair is ugly so meh. The silliness goes far beyond just the fact that the women have the most impractical armor I could ever imagine. It goes way beyond that.

You see... well background first. There are melee classes (thief type, sword type, merchant type, ninja type, martial artist type, etc) and then there are range types like the archer and ranged magic types (mage, healer). These various archetypes have a base class (1st job) that goes on to more advanced jobs (gets other skills, better bonuses, looks different). Each base class can split off into two different jobs. You can't go down more than one path though. Once you're on a path, you get stronger jobs down that path. I'll give you a run down:

1: Thieves can do some magicky poison things, and rogues can go ranged with bows, but for the most part these ones are melee)

----> Rogue ---> Stalker ----> Shadow Chaser
---> Assassin ----> Assassin Cross ----> Guillotine Cross

2: Swordies (actually swordmen/swordwomen) are all melee, even the paladin's spells are up close and personal

-----> Knight -----> Lord/Lady Knight -------> Rune Knight
------> Crusader ------> Paladin -------> Royal Guard

3: Acos are a caster class, but the monks turn to melee, they aren't so bad in this entry, although shura goes off the deep end, it makes sense for the design and the guy and the girl have the same clothing reduction. This one is my favorite for that reason. Also, omg insta kill attack that blows away your mana/sp: Asura Strike. It's wild.

-------> Priest/Priestess -----> High Priest/Priestess ------> Archbishop
-------> Monk ------> Champion ------> Shura

4: Archers are a ranged class and their relative nudity stays the same throughout, with one exception. The bard branch off. x_x And holy wow do the dancers go off the deep end with the impractical armor.

-------> Hunter ------> Sniper ------> Ranger
girl only--> Dancer ----> G. (slur name for Rroma people) ----> Wanderer
guy only--> Bard -----> Clown ------> Minstrel

5: Merchant is the seller and buyer, they get fairly cool skills and one of the lines (the alchemist line) can do some stuff fairly close to magic. But overall these ones are still melee ish and go the same way as the others in this entry. Also, wtf is with the Whitesmith? And why is it more advanced than the blacksmith? I keep on getting the feeling like there's some sort of racism stupidity going on in there. x_x

----> Alchemist ------> Creator -------> Genetic
-----> Blacksmith -------> Whitesmith -------> Mechanic

6: Magician is the explodie type. Far away and making things die. I always expect the mages to wear something stupid, especially the girl mages because then you aren't dealing with the cognitive dissonance in trying to wrap sex appeal around a character that fights with swords and likely gets stabbed a lot if she doesn't wear good armor.

-----> Wizard ------> High Wizard --------> Warlock
------> Sage --------> Professor --------> Sorcerer

There's also a few other classes that don't advance much. The martial artist class can go to a caster called a Soul Linker and a melee class called a star gladiator. All of them wear surprisingly large amounts of clothing and are fairly new. The gunslinger doesn't change at all and the girl is wearing an open jacket and a freaking bra underneath. *facepalm* cuz gunslinging requires not wearing a shirt. And the ninja doesn't get new jobs either and is fairly silly dressed as well. But that's the regular old sexism armor stuff in video games, not the extra silly thing here.

Btw I'm not discussing any of the guy characters here. It's all girls.

So basically, the melee classes above, thief, sword, merchant, technically the Dancer too (because whips are up close, just like the Bard's guitar is.) wear clothing that for the most part makes sense. The merchant is fully clothed (if a little frilly and goofy looking) which makes sense for a respected seller of things, the archer is a little underdressed (midriff, but the shorts make sense at least) and the swordie is wearing a sort of battling dress, which is kinda sexist and old fashioned but it is armored so there's that. The thief is a little nonsensical (although it is the agility dodging sort of class) in what is basically a fashonable bra and low slung hip pants, but she's at least wearing pants.

The acolyte is a weird exception, in that she doesn't change much and is fairly demure. Somehow they got sex appeal into the priesties without stripping them half naked, I suppose that's a start, I guess.

The mages on the other hand are basically wearing bikinis, with a loincloth thing that goes off the bottom of it. Yeah. Not practical.

Onward to the second job class!

The knight is a little bit odd, in that she's wearing an armored skirt that isn't quite long enough, but okay the rest of her is covered and armored well. I can live with that. The crusader looks much like the guy crusader, making a nicely equal warrior with his, with the exception of the lower armor robes looking more like a dress. But oh well. The assassin is wearing a bathing suit with cleavage exposed, and a butt cape. Kind of stupid yes, but she is an agility class. Made for speed. The rogue is practically wearing lingerie and high heels, but she is supposed to be the strumpet of the crew I guess (and the guy is looking particularly fab in an open shirt so it's fairly equal I suppose, with him as the guy strumpet). The merchant gets a little ridiculous. The alchemist girl goes the same way as the knight, except that she's got a cleavage slit, so not too bad. But the blacksmith becomes a country girl on par with a Dukes of Hazzard sex symbol. Clinched white t-shirt showing cleavage and cut off jean shorts. This is a freaking melee character? Wtf, mate? The Monk goes pretty well, she's just got an odd little cleavage hole in the front of her frock, which is kinda odd but nothing unsurprising I guess. The dancer is wearing a lot of flimsy clothing, so apparently she's a stripper or something. *shrug*

The mages go the opposite direction. The sage stays mostly the same, still in a bikini, I bit more loincloth though. The wizard actually gets a one piece bathing suit and cape/robe! She's slightly more clothed now!

So, the third job class is where things get... really really really silly.

The Lord/Lady Knight stays stable with the miniskirt bullshit so that's fine. But the freaking Paladin, the ultimate tank of this game? She's wearing a midriff exposing armor. Yes. That's right, a melee character has an exposed midriff. You know what? If you're gonna expose skin, do it like the warriors of old. Go mostly naked, carry a big giant shield and a spear or sword. Like Spartans or something. This? This is just stupid. And okay, I'm attracted to women and all, but that armor? Not attractive. It's stupid. The G. is about the same as the dancer, and that's the last I'll say on that so I don't have to even write the letter of that slur again. The whitesmith is just... wtf? Now she's a cowgirl Dukes of Hazzard Sex symbol, and the shirt covers less of her top if that's even possible. Buh. The creator starts going the sex appeal/stupidity route too but not very far, just with a shorter skirt and slightly more cleavage exposed. The assassin cross breaks the bounds of reason by increasing the size of her cleavage slit in her shirt to levels in which her top is no longer a shirt and more of, "two strips of cloth that barely cover breasts". Good job, designers, I'm still trying to figure out how the hell she doesn't just pop out of that stupid outfit. The stalker's lingerie doesn't change much, gets a little fuzzier in spots and the guy gets more naked, so that's the only one that's making sense so far. The champion is doing fine. The girl gets a smaller cleavage slit, and most of the changes are just designs and extra clothing added on. Most equal out of all of them if you ask me.

Caster types are doing well now. The High Priest stays demure, maybe gets a higher slit in her dress but beyond that, she's still wearing a good amount of garb. And here's where I get confused. The High Wizard's one piece bathing suit becomes a somewhat high skirted dress with an open bodice and a fur coat drapped over her back. She's gone to more clothing. o.O A caster class. Far away from the enemy and she's wearing more stuff. I'm not complaining, but in comparison to the melee classes getting more and more naked up there, this is nonsensical. And then there's the professor, and she's wearing a full dress, with high leg slits, long sleeves (really long, they drape) and no cleavage. That's right, she's wearing a fox scarf and has no cleavage. Holy crap she's actually dressed like she's not porn.

Fourth job class, the newest ones released recently continue the trend of wtf on top of the normal sexism of girl armor vs. guy armor.

Rune knight breaks the trend of not sucking at life for knights and she's now wearing a long jacket with a steel bikini underneath. Okay well that's not fair of me, the bottom of it is more of a boy shorts bathing suit bottom. The top is a bikini top. And giant arm/shoulder armor. Because you know, they'll never stab for the midriff. *facepalm* Oh look, here's the Royal Guard. What was once just an odd exposed midriff is now a complete outright bikini. With a cross. And shoulder armor. *more facepalm* The wanderer is even worse than the rest of the Dancer line, even though her feathery outfit is pretty, it's also completely a bikini now too. Basically feathery underwear. Which sounds weird and chafing and itchy. The Shura breaks the Monk's trend and goes topless. Now, this might be my monk bias speaking, but this actually makes sense. These martial artist types are about the awesomeness of the body and beating things down just by being a badass, no swords, no armor, no shields, no bows. So the girl wearing a strip of fabric over her boobs and the top part pulled down like a jacket tied around her waist (with the old Champion pants on) is fine, mostly because the guy is doing the exact same thing (minus the fabric because guy chests are apparently allowed to be exposed. Bah, sexism). So that one makes sense. But the rest of them are completely stupid. The Guillotine Cross gets ridiculous too. She's wearing a thong now and a super lowcut shirt thingie while the guy is covered from head to toe. The Genetic breaks the trend and goes for exposed midrif and miniskirt as well. (to be fair the guy has exposed midrif too, both with this cool toothy mouth shirt, so I'm not so upset here). The mechanic just gets stupid, going the bikini route (what is with all the bikinis?) and the only one who doesn't go down this path? The Shadow Chaser. She actually gets more clothing, but this doesn't help because the Shadow Chasers get a lot more magical and weird effects, making them less melee and more ranged, befuddlement, and magic users.

For casters, the Archbiship hikes her dress up a bit, but for the most part doesn't expose anything her robe's leg slits didn't expose before. And get this, the wizard goes from miniskirt, bodice and fur coat to.... pants. Yes, she has exposed midriff and a little bit of a lowcut thing over her top but she has sleeves now and PANTS. She's actually wearing significantly more clothing than she was before (also that outfit is so stylish that I honestly think it actually has sex appeal, if they had not made it have exposed midriff? I'd love that outfit, both for wearing and for cuteness). And the Sorceror's dress just gets more fancy. Yes she gets a little bit of cleavage exposure, but the leg slits on the dress get closed off a little and the central part of it widens a lot. Overall, her exposure balances.

If you want to see the outfits yourself, go to this site

So what I'm saying here is that for the most part, the melee classes, the folks that get up close to things and hack at them or whip at them, the ones most likely to get stabbed or jabbed or sliced or beaten, wear less and less armor as they get more advanced (and consequently go up against tougher things that can hurt them more). This in comparison to the far away explodie classes that stay far away and blow things up and therefore can look more fancy and wear less practical things with less problems, who as they advance wear more covering and more armor like clothing. This is silly and stupid.

Of course the whole thing is silly and stupid. Adventurers are not gonna do the sex appeal thing while fighting monsters. They're gonna be armed to the teeth. It doesn't make any sense to fight stuff in a bikini. I mean, come on, I don't even like walking back from the pool in a bikini because cold winds get my stomach and make me go all shiver mode cold brrrr. I'm not going to fight monsters in one. That's just stupid.

Sexism is total ass. Why can't video games be a little less about making nerdy guys more able to masturbate alone in their basements and more about the fun of killing monsters and getting exp/items and getting stronger?

Too bad I'm not going into game design permanently, that it was a one time thing. Cuz I'd work on projects that actually appealed to more than just the horny dude demographic.

Okay, rant over.
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
2009-12-15 03:08 pm
Entry tags:


Whew, looks like LJ is dropping the change.

Thank you for taking the time to contact us with your concerns. We understand that gender is not binary, and intend to respect that understanding for our users.

At this time, the code you reference is not live on the site, and will not become so in the future. We know that you, and many other users, have serious concerns about any requirement to specify gender, so we'd like to take a moment to explain events and our position further.

The intention of this code was to change the sign-up process to include a field for the selection of gender; that the code would completely disable the "Unspecified" option at the same time was deemed unacceptable. While the code in question had gone to our beta (testing) server, it had not gone to our production server, and will not do so due to this problem. Furthermore, we'd like to clarify that code posted to the changelog community is not always final, as such code must then go through the beta testing process and can often be changed before actual implementation.

Additionally, some erroneous information has been spread regarding the potential public display of the gender field. We would like to clarify that gender is not currently publicly displayed on the profile, nor anywhere else on the site, and there are no plans to change this behavior.

LiveJournal Community Care Team

Thanks everyone who responded and who passed on the word.
dieselsandwich: (pain)
2009-12-14 10:56 pm

Protest: LJ removing unspecified gender mark

This is unacceptable: http://synecdochic.livejournal.com/361781.html#cutid1

In case you don't like following links, LJ has decided to remove the unspecified option for gender and will require you to fill in either male or female.

This is bigoted. This is wrong. There are people out there who are not male or female. Genderqueer people, androgyne people, neutrois, etcetera. And there are even binary transgender people who may prefer to use unspecified to prevent outing or other issues. Removing this option is destructive, it is transphobic and it is wrong. I can even think of a few reasons why cisgender people would want to unspecify gender on their journal. I am joining in this protest by changing my own gender on my profile to unspecified and by adding to this post the copy of the letter in the post I linked as well as sending it to LJ feedback (with edits to represent my own writing style). Get all the details from synecdochic on any other relevant stuff to this.

My feedback sent to LJ staff:

Dear LJ staff

I, like many others, have recently read
http://community.livejournal.com/changelog/7932846.html and related posts, particularly the part where gender is now a) a required field and b) a binary option. This is not an acceptable way of doing things because gender is not a binary. There are people who do not identity as male or female and such an adjustment of LJ's system will exclude and hurt these people.

Your previous policy on the gender field had been fairly good, not requiring gender specified and not requiring a binary choice meant that you were at least slightly more inclusive to transgender people (genderqueer or otherwise) who did not wish to disclose their gender. You haven't really gone far enough in that you lack an Other option (or even options that cover at least some of the diversity in genderqueer, neutral, mixed and other identities in the transgender community that are not strictly male or female). This has been brought up before and you can read the early history of the "gender_petition" community for details. (
http://community.livejournal.com/gender_petition/38651.html and earlier entries). This change now is even worse of a backward step and is made especially troublesome in the face of repeated assurrances from LJ under both Danga and Six Apart that a). the Gender field would never be a mandatory field to fill out, and b). if it became so, the options would be expanded to include "Other". (http://community.livejournal.com/feedback/9967.html)

A simple interest search on "transgender" or "genderqueer" will illustrate how many people are aware of this issue, and you can review suggestions going back to 2001 (
http://community.livejournal.com/suggestions/36453.html) about it.

Those of the transgender community who do not fit the binary experience discrimination every day when they are forced to identify themselves with the gender binary when it doesn't apply to them. Those of the binary transgender community who for whatever reason cannot afford to go by their preferred pronouns are also often forced to go by their old pronouns, instead of avoiding specification altogether, causing further harm. Please do not contribute to this oppression even more.

Please keep the "Unspecified" option for gender, and add an "Other" option, if you are making the gender field mandatory. Please do not contribute to the suffering of the transgender people who would be affected by this. While I recognize that having a user's gender makes advertisers happier, collecting revenue at the expense of human suffering is not the action of a company I want to do business with.

Sophia Lafergola

Please protest this. Raise your voices. This will hurt a lot of people who use LJ as a way to discuss with the world what they're going through. Allowing this to happen is not acceptable.
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
2009-11-17 12:18 am
Entry tags:

Updates, Miscellania and Etcetera (short version)

Life has been busy.

Like intensely busy. Mind shatteringly busy. So much has happened since I last posted an entry that I'm not even sure where to begin. Have a short entry. My friends locked folk can get the long spiel.

Let's start with the game. Picture The Impossible went swimmingly. We had a stunning turn out, people were super engaged, everyone loved the narrative and I apparently looking utterly beautiful at the Gala (with my rather lesbotronic red button down, black tie, pinstripe slacks and my hair down for once). I also spoke in front of that giant crowd of people, something that turned my legs to jelly.

I can't seem to grapple my thesis and the problems my Attention Deficit is causing are really starting to worry me. They're putting a bit of pressure on Lee too, who's been trying to keep me on task.

I still have that collaborative textbook generation thing to write, and frankly I'm amazed that the professor I'm working with hasn't thrown a brick at my head yet for how late I'm running.

Still on bad terms with the family. Keeping my distance this turkey day and possibly x-mas too. They aren't significant to me as holidays (I'm not Christian or particularly enthusiastic about a holiday based around genocide) but they are significant in that they'll be the first holidays in which I'll be keeping away from my parents' home due to bad blood.

I'm poor and it sucks. Lee's even worse off. I really don't know how we're scraping everything together at this point. I need a job and the depression and feelings of uselessness for being unemployed is really hitting me hard. That and it seems like my body is falling apart. >.<

So that's the short version. My friends will get pile drived with the long one. Yay for friendship!
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
2009-08-11 12:43 pm

Roving Eyes

I work in an office right now. Specifically in the multimedia group. We're mostly geeks so none of my coworkers really go any further than casual.

But I, being all cautious and new, was dressing in professional garb. Slacks, button down blouses, camisole under the blouses because I can't get the buttons to close over my breasts (fitting fail!) It isn't that I don't like looking snazzy, it's just that the clothing isn't all that terribly comfortable. It's tight, restricting and sometimes even annoying. And like most clothing made for womenfolks, it's designed to accentuate my curves and show off upper chest (and sometimes cleavage, which I combat with the camisoles, because I don't like showing cleavage.)

So it draws a certain level of ass and tits attention that I find discomforting. I normally dress in cargos (sometimes baggy androgynous cargos and sometimes fitted cargos, depending on how lazy I feel) and t-shirts that have round necks up near my neck. So no cleavage and not a lot of access to my hindquarters.

On campus, no one causes me problems over this. Maybe people are just used to unusual styles there? Because today, I decided, "fuck it, I'm going to dress comfortably". And now everyone is staring at my fucking pants.

The multimedia guys don't care. They wear more casual stuff than that. But other folk in the office environment apparently do. I'm getting stared at and I swear some people have commented to each other on it. I suppose its better than having my tits stared at but I swear there is just no way to win.

Ugh. Why can't people mind their own fucking business? I'm not a spectacle.
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
2009-07-30 09:37 pm


It's dismaying that one of the things I drew so much enjoyment from and helped give me an escape from pain and frustration (a certain video game I was hugely into) has become another source of frustration and pain.
dieselsandwich: (pain)
2009-07-25 03:16 pm

Ethnocentric, religiocentric and culturocentric bullshit sucks.

As many of my friends know, I'm somewhat active (or used to be) on an online forum. The forum deals mostly with anime and video games but it has places for discussions of any topic and has a pretty hefty membership.

In a particular thread about magic use and witchcraft, I had only remained there because of one particular friend. All of my other friends in that thread had either left it, taken left the website or were so inactive that it wasn't worth bothering.

To give some background on this, I'm a member of a reasonably new (maybe 5 years old at most) religion called Etherism (which makes me an Etherist). It's sort of an arbitrary name for it but the basic idea is that the universe is a sort of folded mirror of energy which overall is called The Ether. One side of this fold is the physical or Material Ether. The other side is the metaphysical or Spiritual Ether. They reflect one another mostly without fail, but due to Dual Reflectivism (the concept that two mirrored things reflect each other equally) neither one is simply a reflection, both are real in their own right.

So this means that stuff can get severed from one reflection or another and float about until it realigns with something complex enough to match it. I guess a good way to tie it to something everyone else is familiar with is that realignment is a lot like reincarnation (except that everything can do it, not just us), getting severed ("breaking the mirror") is like death (except that it's based on a reflection undergoing a change too rapid for its dual reflection to catch up, which includes biological death) and realignment is based on energy affinities or resonance.

There's chaotic entropic affinity (matches the Void Aspect) and there's order inducing complexity boosting affinity (matches the "Evolution/Order" Aspect, there isn't a good name for it yet). Those are the most relevant to us and are often put into a positive/negative or good/evil duality. (Should be easy to figure out which is which.)

Etherism's philosophy orientates itself almost entirely around growing as a being, becoming greater but greater in your own right. Being absorbed into another being or working as a group towards elevating just the group doesn't really count towards this and is actually deeply morally abhorrent to Etherism. This includes worship, which is also regarded very negatively by Etherism's philosophy. This includes allowing others (through your own willful inaction) or encouraging others to worship you.

It also orientates itself around Wisdom and Power as well and generally is a very self empowering, self elevating religion. To folks in Christianity, for example, it would be seen as very contrary to their views.

There's a method of magic use called Etheristic Channeling (E.C.), that draws energy from the Ether through you and allows you to intersperse it with your own energies, which in turn allows you to control it as though it were your own energy (this allows you to achieve more than you can do with your energy alone). It often operates based on drawing the energy of beings called Aspects (either through barter, personal deals, friendship, partnership or simply from a nonsentient or inactive source). The Aspects aren't worshiped (and some of the sentient ones actually react pretty violently to being worshiped) and one can also use less powerful and major spirits called Essences. There's usually one Aspect per thing type, force type or energy type. So all Stars would relate to the Star/Radiance Aspect. But there are lots of star and light Essences of varying form and type.

And here is where the problem arises. E. C. is not witchcraft. This being because witchcraft is a collection of traditions that have their roots and heritage in the Western European folk magic practices of older days (don't remember the exact time frame). And a former friend of mine decided that decontextualizing, homogenizing and generally stomping on other cultures is just fine, just as long as a word she uses (improperly) for all magic can be used for all magic in every culture.

It led to a big nasty argument and I decided afterwards to leave the thread permanently and take a break from the site overall.

It just disgusts me how people can be so entitled and so culturocentric as to dismiss every other culture's word for magic use as irrelevant and impose the European and American primary word on them.

Just because it's her word, no joke. She cited her reasons as they understand English and she doesn't understand their languages, so they should use her word. How fucking disgustingly entitled and self centered do you have to be to 1: assume everyone knows your fucking language when English being a trade language does not mean its taught to everyone in a given foreign country and 2: assume that a word that does not properly or appropriately describe the concepts contained within a given magic or religious practice should be used for that practice just because it's easier for you?

There's a reason why I say former friend. I don't stay friends with people that pull this shit. On anything. Religion, personal practices, language, sexuality, race, anything. I won't be friends with an entitled piece of shit that doesn't care about homogenizing and delegitimizing cultures and people.

It's fucked up and people shouldn't do it. Is it so fucking hard to open your eyes and make the effort to research? I don't believe it is.
dieselsandwich: (pain)
2009-06-23 10:33 pm


Doubt can be the most crippling thing a person can experience. It can strip your will, burn your energy, crush your spirit and prevent any attempt at doing any single thing that it orientates itself around.

It's a lot worse when you know that doubt is based on some very reasonable concerns. I've found myself literally having to fight the urge to give up completely because of it in the past.

Now is no different.

I hate having ADD. I hate the doubts it creates about what I can or can't do. I hate how valid those doubts actually are. I hate how much it cuts my legs out from under me.

Urgh. All my life. I can't ever escape this.

Sometimes I wonder if I can function in life at all...
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (awesome)
2009-05-09 05:45 pm
Entry tags:

Forever doesn't seem so scary anymore.


This is just part of a long trend of more and more committed things Lee and I have done with each other. It really blows my mind in the end. This is the longest healthy fulfilling relationship I have had ever. Sans none. Only one other relationship has been nearly as long term but it wasn't healthy nor was it fulfilling. It was an abusive clusterfuck of a relationship that we're both still trying to heal from (we're both poly in case you didn't read my profile.)

We've been together for more than two years, moved in together, bought a car together, it's crazy. I never thought I'd be able to look at someone and think, with this person, forever doesn't seem so scary anymore.

It really was one of those love at first sight situations. We met at a Blind Guardian concert of all places (we had planned to go together as friends as we had only been good friends online). When we met the electricity just sparked between us. We were both showing that sort of "oh wow I like you so much it's scary" nervous deer in the headlights look for the beginning.

We both stumbled over words and generally made fools of ourselves to each other. But did that impact anything badly? Nope. Both of us fell utterly head over heels for each other. Hehe, Lee even mentioned once about how hard it had been not to jump on me at that moment because I looked so unbelievably sexy when I was headbanging to the metal that BG was playing. And it wasn't just attraction either. We clicked so totally and completely. We talked for hours and hours in the shitty hotel we had together. We also had sex that night, completely unexpectedly.

It just sort of happened. And it was amazing. I guess right there was the first time I had ever had anyone make love to me before and had ever done the same for anyone else. The ride home I was all bubbly and floaty and Lee was all grins. We started officially dating shortly after and went for a short period of time before we both met the other individual who I won't disclose the name of.

The abuse that ex put us through, the damage that ex did, it almost broke us apart. That ex took advantage of Lee's paranoia on a regular basis, trying to turn us against each other. Even tried to create drama in Lee's family and shatter those bonds. That ex drugged me regularly using painkillers and even struck me a few times. Other stuff happened that I won't go into here, but needless to say when we both finally escaped that abusive situation the pressure and stress took its toll.

Things were iffy for a short while afterwards. Lee was staying with some mutual friends instead of heading home (due to the fired up paranoia) and even with my visiting we still were having issues and arguments and bad cycles. But as we healed up a bit and Lee got back to the family and I severed every tie with our ex I could, things improved. We got better and the arguments and issues faded. We learned through that adversity that talking about issues and problems right away and working to solve things instead of expecting everything to work perfectly was the best way to go. And neither of us adopted a stance of broken china with each other. Instead of treating each other like we were fragile, we both learned the best way to be respectful and mindful, while still having a dynamic growing relationship.

Our love blossomed even more now that the terrible storm was past and I know I marveled at just how good we both were for each other (Lee prolly has marveled at it too). I know most of our friends have certainly commented on how much we make each other's lives better. We moved in together after careful thinking, planning and working (no rushing) and now we have a car together.

I can't imagine what's next after I get out of school and we move again but whatever it is, I'm looking forward to it. And enjoying myself immensely now. This is love, people. This is what love brings and does. It's work and sometimes hard work but the way you feel with that special person (or special people for my lovely poly brothers and sisters and me and Lee if we find another partner we care for) makes it all beyond worth it. That's love, for me.

I'm in love.

And forever doesn't seem so scary anymore. I know just who I want to spend it with.

dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
2009-05-04 08:14 pm

Companies, The GLBT community, anti-GLBT groups and the clusterfucks that ensue

Every once in a while an epic mistake is made by a company with their clientele. For instance, say you're a member of the GLBT community using LiveJournal as your blog on GLBT issues. And say an anti gay marriage ad pops up on your friends page.

Well it happened. It was also resolved so don't think that LJ needs to be smacked around with righteous fury right now.

But it raises some thoughts in the face of the Amazon debacle and other interactions between companies and the GLBT community. How far is too far? Obviously the ad in question is from a smear group perpetrating libel and idiocy about gay marriage activists and even if it was a classy example of an anti gay marriage ad, putting it on a GLBT person's journal is stupid as fuck and a definite violation of her safe space. So yanking that ad was a good call.

Same with the Amazon fiasco. It was way out of line, taking all the GLBT books off the ratings system, if that's even something they did on purpose. Theories abound that meta trolling* was to blame, or that it's a grand corporate conspiracy to screw over the GLBT community. Others claim it was a glitch. But either way we as a culture abhor censorship. So where should the line be drawn between acceptable and unacceptable?

I don't have any answers myself really. Most of these situations are less than black and white. Sometimes we as a community overreact our asses off. But sometimes we don't hit genuine bigotry hard enough and pay for it later. Alternately, some groups just want to point out that their view on marriage is so and so and the rest are running a propaganda and smear campaign full of lies and hate speech. To be honest, I can't say I'm comfortable with even censoring hate speech in public zones. Certainly in safe spaces, rented areas, places where we have some level of ownership, we have a lot more rights to censor and adjust what comes in. Places like LJ and social sites like facebook can censor certain things for the benefit of their users.

In fact I would say they have a responsibility to honor their users' needs for a safe environment to operate in. If they don't provide it, then the users are well within their rights to raise shit about it or leave the service to go to better fits. LJ lost one customer to an extent when [livejournal.com profile] snugglebitch moved on to Dreamwidth, but they did at least work to fix the problem so others don't get hit too.

I guess the question is, what the fuck were they thinking to begin with? And the answer is, they weren't.

In the end, that's why these clusterfucks happen. Companies don't think. They don't plan for the possibility that they could piss off a very upset and generally disenfranchised community, who would have pretty valid reasons to take their business elsewhere. Amazon's system, if struck by metatrolling, was far too easy of a target. It was automated and likely didn't have an effective flood control. It should have at least been heavily monitored for spamming. Even if it was a glitch, that's one hell of a glitch, and something you really should keep an eye out on.

LJ didn't think either. It probably didn't occur to them that there were internet groups buying space trying to sink gay marriage with hate speech and bullshit. So instead of regulating their third party source, or doing their own ads, they let things run automatically and got screwed for it.

Planning is everything. Look into scenarios. Check your demographic. In the end, the only one to blame if your company fucks up and pisses off a huge community is you. Just the way the world works.

*Note: Meta trolling is a method of trolling wherein you get two groups to attack or troll each other with subtle efforts. You don't visibly troll either one but you are the actual cause of their reactions. Meta trolling can involve dropping a controversial subject into two groups that are already tense, or in the case of Amazon, spam flagging all GLBT, rape survivor and feminist stuff for adult content so that Amazon's automated system removed it all. This would piss off the GLBT community and Amazon wouldn't know what was going on till too late.

dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
2009-04-25 09:37 pm


I know I haven't posted in a while. Sorries!

Excuse the errors and typoes. I am operating on about 4 hours of sleep in the last 27 hours. x_x

I went to a local anime convention, got a table with a good friend of mine and we sold art to anime geeks. I didn't make nearly as much of a profit as her but I still pulled off a profit. It was really nice. The most popular pieces of art was a sort of bladed armored snake thing (I actually ran out of prints it was so popular!), a wolf/vine mix on a tree and some render work I did with Apop.

Unfortunately most of my art was too weird and not cute enough to really appeal to the high school age anime kids that populated this convention.

Well the except the wolf/vine thing. The young girl that bought it was so adorable about it. She just pulled out the cost money and looked at me with one of those, "plzcanhaz?" looks. I said, "what would you like, honey?"

And she just pointed at the wolf/vine piece and made the look again. I couldn't help but smile because she was so freaking adorable and shy about it. So she paid me and I gave her a print of it. And then she held it to her chest, squeed and said, "ohmygod it's so pretty!" and ran off! Most adorable moment of the entire convention!

Rune (who was an absolute darling and waited in line with me. <3 my sister) also managed to get all the boys in a tizzy over me by basically pressing me against a wall all sexy like. Not just once, but twice. So it was amusing to watch the nerdy boys falling over themselves to peer at us as she fake flirted with me for amusement.  It did backfire though as the creepy boys paid a lot more attention to me than I'm comfortable with though. Or maybe I'm just hot or something. I've got no clue anymore.

I also got to chat up a really cute Asian-American girl who was selling nintendo related knit plushies. I wish she had them ready enough to sell (she only had the samples up for decoration) because she had a little knit plushie Navi and I wanted it sooooo badly!

Those were my high points. There were low points too.

I saw someone who looked exactly like my abusive ex in the line for registration and over the course of the day several times. And when I say exactly, I mean exactly. Same hair. Same teeth structure. Same facial shape. Same voice. Same eyebrows. Same height even. The only differences being that she had a little more meat on her bones than my ex (enough to make her simply look healthier not fat) and had red dyed hair.

The simularities were so close that for a few seconds I had the terrifying thought that my ex had actually come to my city and was coming after me somehow. I almost went into a panic attack in the line but Rune and Mercy were there and I managed to hold myself together until the lookalike was out of view. Mostly because Rune told me in no uncertain terms that she would protect me lethally if my ex ever came after me. It sucks how helpless I feel in that situation, and I hate the idea of even needing protection, but the thought of my ex just puts me into frozen panic still. I'm getting better but it takes time.

We also had to wait in line for two fucking hours. And I still didn't sell nearly as much as Mercy did. It was... unpleasant... to sell so little when she sold ten billion things. Discouraging was probably a better word. I really don't know if I want to sell at that con in the future because of how discouraging it was. And I know that she was doing her best to encourage me, but I felt like shit about people just glancing at one page of my art book and moving on. It wasn't the right market for my art style, I knew this beforehand. But it still sucks.

And there was a fucking bee in the car on the way back! I admit to crying, freaking out and generally making a fool of myself. To the point of actually ducking and rolling out of the car when Mercy's boyfriend came to a stop. >.< Yeah, I know, I'm sad.

We did go out to get steak at Ruby Tuesday's afterwards though, which was nice. And I'll get to curl up in my bed with Lee tonight so overall it's not a terrible day.  The steak was so tasty and the dessert was too. ^^
dieselsandwich: (pain)
2009-03-27 02:11 pm


We're feeling the clench of the economy's poor state.

Our rent is around 284 dollars a month and food + utilities costs float around 400 a month approximately. I don't have a very good job. It pays very little and gives me very little hours. Lee is still searching for a job. Neither of our accounts can handle this much drain for very long.

I'm starting to hit the point where I wonder whether we can stay in this house. Our housemates are great people and we all feel like a family together. I wouldn't want to leave them behind. But the affordability has become an issue. Townhouses are expensive. Even split among four people and with two of them having paid the rent in full in the beginning of the year, we're still struggling.

Rose is behind on her payments because her job's paychecks are iffy at best (she works for her dad on his website and I'm not sure if she's even been paid yet for services rendered). Me and John have covered our costs completely for the entire year but we're feeling the pinch on the food costs. Mouse only covers food costs and minor ultilities, not rent and rent is where we're in trouble.

Because of communication issues, Lee wasn't aware of when the rent was due and how long we had coverage for by me and John paying in full our parts. I don't know what's going on with Rose as I just found out about this today. But suffice it to say she hasn't been paying either most likely due to communication issues.

Which means that we're behind 800 dollars and it's due by the 6th of April. Or there will be court papers.

I'm helping Lee cover these last few months, but I can't do this forever. And I'm wondering how well we can cover these bills even with slightly above min wage jobs each. Moving may be the only option. And it's a decision we really need to make in the next two weeks so John and Rose can find new housemates.

Just when I was finally settled down, near poverty raises its ugly head and changes everything.

dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
2009-03-09 11:02 am


I hate mornings.

Lee's asleep, soundly, and probably didn't notice the anxiety attack I managed to induce in myself like a fucking idiot. What did I think was going to happen if I laid in bed and just thought after the alarm woke me up around 10:30?

Mornings. Ugh. The worst time for me because there's no safety net and there's no distractions. Just me, cold, not quite alone (but might as well be since my partner sleeps like a brick) and able to wander the fucked up labyrinths of horror in my mind without anything to stop me.

Being the stupid person I am, I obviously fail to prevent these wanderings.

So my mind, being as fucked up as it is, creates scenarios. Like waking nightmares usually. Like this morning, where my thought patterns decided to go down the path of one of my friends talking to my ex partner about what had happened to me and what my ex had done to me. And then that same ex partner calling my house and trying to track me down. The idea is nothing short of terrifying and one for which I really don't have a defense for. I guess it's normal to feel this way about someone who hurts you in that specific, very traumatic way. Well as much as the word "normal" can ever be applied to someone like me...

So I manage to terrify myself completely in a span of several minutes and spend a good fifteen minutes to a half in hour shaking and on the verge of tears. The loneliness doesn't help either. I get lonely a lot and mornings are no exception.

I can't expect someone out like a light to hold me or cuddle but ugh it fucking hurts to curl up next to someone you love and for that person to roll over and face the other way due to deep sleep. Especially when you're on the verge of panic and just need someone, anyone to make it feel a little bit okay.

I'm always the one awake first. I don't know why. I blindfold myself and tend to be sleep deprived. But without fail, I wake up first and then it's just me and my horrible mornings, ruined by my fucked up brain, until Lee wakes up. I usually can't get back to sleep, especially after going into "fucked up stupid girl panic mode". The adrenaline and fear and whatnot just destroys any chance of falling back to sleep no matter how early I woke up. The problem with anxiety like that is that it makes you afraid to get out of bed too. Afraid that if you get out of bed, the things in your head might turn out to be real.

I pull out of it in the end. I have to. Or I'd be a quivering shattered mess every day for school. It just sucks. It sucks so much and I want it to stop. I want to stop being a stupid anxiety filled mess of a girl and I want my stupid brain to stop spinning these webs of horror every time I wake up earlier than necessary. I want to stop irrationally feeling hated when Lee rolls away while sleeping. I want mornings to not be this way anymore.

I don't want to be this stupid and damaged anymore.
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (awesome)
2009-03-05 01:06 am


I don't normally talk about video games on here. Not for any particular reason, it just never occurred to me to do so.

But Portal. OMFG Portal. I was actually giggling and gasping and reacting. The game was one of the first few to entertain, creep out, amuse and challenge me all at the same time. It just blew me away. And this is even with all the hype which you would think would have killed it for me. I had read all the reviews, heard my friends gush about it before I could play it.

I bought it relatively early on but I couldn't play it on my computer. I had to use my partner's compy instead. Even so the wait was worth it. The game was amazing. I loved every moment of it. The homicidal and crazy computer, the telltale bloody writing in the gun gauntlets, the exceptional dark humor of it all, the genuinely challenging and interesting.

There was one puzzle where I wasn't sure if I was going to make it across and actually started gasping and basically freaking out when I made it. To the point that one of my housemates called down to "get a room" essentially because it apparently sounded like naughty sounds o_O

I was giddy and Lee got such a giant kick out of it too. When I beat the game (and the final part was genuinely challenging and scary with timers) I was so happy that I didn't even mind that my leg had gone numb from poor circulation and being crossed for too long.

Oh wow I just loved the game. And there were totally lesbian undertones in there. GLaDOS wanted Chell, in her crazy way. AND THE PHYSICS. OMFG THE PHYSICS. Sometimes I just fired two portals over each other and jumped through them to fall forever. Or fired portals in interesting places to make things fly through them or jump up and down using gravity for kicks. Oh wow it was just so much damn fun.

The game was brilliant and I don't normally say that.

No seriously, I'm a whiny complainer. I always find something to bitch about in a game. Sometime that yanks me out of the environment or annoys me. Portal did not do this. Not once. I was sucked in so much that I couldn't stop playing for food until Lee dragged me off the computer.

And the ending song and credits. Oh wow. Oh my. Hehehehee, I loved that game.

dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
2009-02-18 09:08 pm


I can't seem to stop shaking. It isn't a bad shaking, although it makes it hard to walk straight, but it isn't terribly pleasant either. I dunno if it's the massage chair being on too long, or anxiety from this awful nasty rough week or too much caffeine or something

But whatever the hell is causing me to shake so much, I'd appreciate it stopping now. Thanks.
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
2009-02-18 12:18 pm

What the fuck?

One of my housemates has been seriously hostile lately. Everything I do is wrong somehow or subject to snarky asinine comment these days. I get why it is. He doesn't like change and things are changing a little. We're not necessarily as close as we used to be and my attention isn't all on him like it was when all of us moved in at first and only had each other.

This is sort of the natural effect of having a partner move in, but his response hasn't been to try to set up more things for us to do. It's to be a hostile ass with me. The worst part is, we even fucking talked about this and he brought up his concerns and worries. I made huge compromises, telling him stuff about me that very few people know so he could know why I'd been so withdrawn and hurting lately.

But still I get the snark. Still I get the insults. Still he's being hostile when I just want to get to fucking school or get through the day. I don't need that shit in my fucking home. This is where I live. It's supposed to be a safe place, not a place where I'm constantly getting verbally attacked because he thinks its funny or is pissed off with me.

I've told him about this shit. I've told him I don't appreciate it and I'm tired of it. I've told him that I didn't like it when we were in the dorms and I don't like it now.

Me and Lee had left out some dishes by accident and we didn't realize they were ours. He showed us that they were and we apologized and handled them. Then he decided to say, "yeah, we aren't your cleanup crew" and I was like, "I'm aware of that, I never asked you to be."

He says he said the comment to explain why he didn't put away our dishes, which is a "what the fuck" moment in and of itself as it's been abundantly fucking clear in this house that people put their own dishes into the sink. I even have a persistent reminder in my calendar program from a previous fucking conversation with him about the dish issue.

And even if that was the way he meant it? It still came off as a hostile verbal poke, after we had fucking apologized and after Lee had cleared the dishes already. It wasn't fucking necessary to further rub our faces in it and that is exactly how I (and I assume Lee, based on the short talk we had before I left for school) saw it.

I ask him why he felt it necessary to fucking poke us after we had apologized and he pulls out this explanation bullshit and proceeds to bitch me out for having a problem with it. It finally ends with him realized that I felt like he was being hostile and a jerk and him pointing out that he doesn't give a shit how I felt about it.

So I basically told him, "fine, you don't give a shit that I think you were a hostile ass for no good reason and you don't give a shit about how I feel. We'll leave it the fuck at that." and I stormed off when he parked the car. I have a class with him in a half hour and I'm still upset.

I dunno. I'm starting to regret moving in with someone like him. I thought he'd be less of an asshole in a living space or that he'd calmed down a little after leaving the dorms. But it seems like his only way to deal with situations he doesn't like is to be a complete douchebag to everyone around him.

I'm fucking tired of it and I'm really wondering sometimes if this is a good place for me to live in.
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
2009-02-15 01:50 pm

Quarter is almost over

Things are wrapping up school wise for this quarter. Next one is going to be interesting. I'm actually slated to co author an article for a biochem journal on the wikibooks project that I'm involved in while still refining the site.

I've got my work cut out for me as a Wiki medium is rarely standardized even within the same page. And because most of the people who have worked on it are undergrads, the work is a little uneven (not to offend undergrads, many of you do great work, it's just that many don't and it shows when your group overall is evaluated). That being said, some of my kids (I TA'd the latest class working on the project) have done brilliant jobs and I've suggested to the professor I'm working with that they be brought on board later for independent study or undergrad research for this project.

Another interesting thing I'm doing is the Alternate Reality Game class. It's the first game design class I've ever taken and I'm going in as a writer. This kind of thing should really help me get back into practice, as I haven't written a whole lot in a while. I get to take that class with my sister in arms, which already makes it a million times more awesome. But the fact that I'm branching out to such a huge degree is so very cool too. I never expected to be a writer at all, much less doing things in game design writing. I really hope that it helps fire me up again so I can get back to writing my sci fi piece.

I also really need someone to smack me so I don't forget to start sending in my fantasy piece to publishers. Because it is done and I have it on good authority that it's good (knowing not to trust my assessment to my own reasonably stereotypical dislike of my own work). Basically all I need is a suitable title and then I can start bugging publishers.

And oh fuck wow, if I get published I will cry so many tears of joy and hug everyone I can find.
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
2009-02-02 11:16 pm


You know that things are going to take a lot of work when one of you breaks down because of past memories being triggered and then the other is immediately triggered in the same way because of how the first one is comforted.

It's worth it, to figure out how to do things right and to help each other get past the things that hurt us in the past. And I'm glad we're both doing it instead of just letting the wounds fester like we both used to.

Just... it's really hard. Sometimes I want to cry from how hard it is. Both of us were hurt so badly and I feel like neither of us will be fully healed. And it's really really hard to work towards a goal you don't even know you can reach. Especially now that it's the both of us and not just the one. Now I have all this baggage and horrible memories and occasional flashbacks to plague me too and that makes me a lot less effective in helping.

One of the worst (and most ironic) feelings in the world is trying to choke back and hide your tears so a person you love won't feel guilty for being hurt.... out of feeling guilty yourself that you're hurt at the same time as that person.


It seems really irrational and counterproductive and ironic and stupid when it isn't happening... ugh. Now I feel like an idiot. I should wrap this up before I start crying again.