Doubt

Jun. 23rd, 2009 10:33 pm
dieselsandwich: (pain)
Doubt can be the most crippling thing a person can experience. It can strip your will, burn your energy, crush your spirit and prevent any attempt at doing any single thing that it orientates itself around.

It's a lot worse when you know that doubt is based on some very reasonable concerns. I've found myself literally having to fight the urge to give up completely because of it in the past.

Now is no different.

I hate having ADD. I hate the doubts it creates about what I can or can't do. I hate how valid those doubts actually are. I hate how much it cuts my legs out from under me.

Urgh. All my life. I can't ever escape this.

Sometimes I wonder if I can function in life at all...

Mornings

Mar. 9th, 2009 11:02 am
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
I hate mornings.

Lee's asleep, soundly, and probably didn't notice the anxiety attack I managed to induce in myself like a fucking idiot. What did I think was going to happen if I laid in bed and just thought after the alarm woke me up around 10:30?

Mornings. Ugh. The worst time for me because there's no safety net and there's no distractions. Just me, cold, not quite alone (but might as well be since my partner sleeps like a brick) and able to wander the fucked up labyrinths of horror in my mind without anything to stop me.

Being the stupid person I am, I obviously fail to prevent these wanderings.

So my mind, being as fucked up as it is, creates scenarios. Like waking nightmares usually. Like this morning, where my thought patterns decided to go down the path of one of my friends talking to my ex partner about what had happened to me and what my ex had done to me. And then that same ex partner calling my house and trying to track me down. The idea is nothing short of terrifying and one for which I really don't have a defense for. I guess it's normal to feel this way about someone who hurts you in that specific, very traumatic way. Well as much as the word "normal" can ever be applied to someone like me...

So I manage to terrify myself completely in a span of several minutes and spend a good fifteen minutes to a half in hour shaking and on the verge of tears. The loneliness doesn't help either. I get lonely a lot and mornings are no exception.

I can't expect someone out like a light to hold me or cuddle but ugh it fucking hurts to curl up next to someone you love and for that person to roll over and face the other way due to deep sleep. Especially when you're on the verge of panic and just need someone, anyone to make it feel a little bit okay.

I'm always the one awake first. I don't know why. I blindfold myself and tend to be sleep deprived. But without fail, I wake up first and then it's just me and my horrible mornings, ruined by my fucked up brain, until Lee wakes up. I usually can't get back to sleep, especially after going into "fucked up stupid girl panic mode". The adrenaline and fear and whatnot just destroys any chance of falling back to sleep no matter how early I woke up. The problem with anxiety like that is that it makes you afraid to get out of bed too. Afraid that if you get out of bed, the things in your head might turn out to be real.

I pull out of it in the end. I have to. Or I'd be a quivering shattered mess every day for school. It just sucks. It sucks so much and I want it to stop. I want to stop being a stupid anxiety filled mess of a girl and I want my stupid brain to stop spinning these webs of horror every time I wake up earlier than necessary. I want to stop irrationally feeling hated when Lee rolls away while sleeping. I want mornings to not be this way anymore.

I don't want to be this stupid and damaged anymore.

*sigh*

Feb. 2nd, 2009 11:16 pm
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
You know that things are going to take a lot of work when one of you breaks down because of past memories being triggered and then the other is immediately triggered in the same way because of how the first one is comforted.

It's worth it, to figure out how to do things right and to help each other get past the things that hurt us in the past. And I'm glad we're both doing it instead of just letting the wounds fester like we both used to.

Just... it's really hard. Sometimes I want to cry from how hard it is. Both of us were hurt so badly and I feel like neither of us will be fully healed. And it's really really hard to work towards a goal you don't even know you can reach. Especially now that it's the both of us and not just the one. Now I have all this baggage and horrible memories and occasional flashbacks to plague me too and that makes me a lot less effective in helping.

One of the worst (and most ironic) feelings in the world is trying to choke back and hide your tears so a person you love won't feel guilty for being hurt.... out of feeling guilty yourself that you're hurt at the same time as that person.

x_x

It seems really irrational and counterproductive and ironic and stupid when it isn't happening... ugh. Now I feel like an idiot. I should wrap this up before I start crying again.

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dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
Sophia Lafergola

October 2010

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