Mar. 27th, 2009 02:11 pm
dieselsandwich: (pain)
We're feeling the clench of the economy's poor state.

Our rent is around 284 dollars a month and food + utilities costs float around 400 a month approximately. I don't have a very good job. It pays very little and gives me very little hours. Lee is still searching for a job. Neither of our accounts can handle this much drain for very long.

I'm starting to hit the point where I wonder whether we can stay in this house. Our housemates are great people and we all feel like a family together. I wouldn't want to leave them behind. But the affordability has become an issue. Townhouses are expensive. Even split among four people and with two of them having paid the rent in full in the beginning of the year, we're still struggling.

Rose is behind on her payments because her job's paychecks are iffy at best (she works for her dad on his website and I'm not sure if she's even been paid yet for services rendered). Me and John have covered our costs completely for the entire year but we're feeling the pinch on the food costs. Mouse only covers food costs and minor ultilities, not rent and rent is where we're in trouble.

Because of communication issues, Lee wasn't aware of when the rent was due and how long we had coverage for by me and John paying in full our parts. I don't know what's going on with Rose as I just found out about this today. But suffice it to say she hasn't been paying either most likely due to communication issues.

Which means that we're behind 800 dollars and it's due by the 6th of April. Or there will be court papers.

I'm helping Lee cover these last few months, but I can't do this forever. And I'm wondering how well we can cover these bills even with slightly above min wage jobs each. Moving may be the only option. And it's a decision we really need to make in the next two weeks so John and Rose can find new housemates.

Just when I was finally settled down, near poverty raises its ugly head and changes everything.



Mar. 9th, 2009 11:02 am
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
I hate mornings.

Lee's asleep, soundly, and probably didn't notice the anxiety attack I managed to induce in myself like a fucking idiot. What did I think was going to happen if I laid in bed and just thought after the alarm woke me up around 10:30?

Mornings. Ugh. The worst time for me because there's no safety net and there's no distractions. Just me, cold, not quite alone (but might as well be since my partner sleeps like a brick) and able to wander the fucked up labyrinths of horror in my mind without anything to stop me.

Being the stupid person I am, I obviously fail to prevent these wanderings.

So my mind, being as fucked up as it is, creates scenarios. Like waking nightmares usually. Like this morning, where my thought patterns decided to go down the path of one of my friends talking to my ex partner about what had happened to me and what my ex had done to me. And then that same ex partner calling my house and trying to track me down. The idea is nothing short of terrifying and one for which I really don't have a defense for. I guess it's normal to feel this way about someone who hurts you in that specific, very traumatic way. Well as much as the word "normal" can ever be applied to someone like me...

So I manage to terrify myself completely in a span of several minutes and spend a good fifteen minutes to a half in hour shaking and on the verge of tears. The loneliness doesn't help either. I get lonely a lot and mornings are no exception.

I can't expect someone out like a light to hold me or cuddle but ugh it fucking hurts to curl up next to someone you love and for that person to roll over and face the other way due to deep sleep. Especially when you're on the verge of panic and just need someone, anyone to make it feel a little bit okay.

I'm always the one awake first. I don't know why. I blindfold myself and tend to be sleep deprived. But without fail, I wake up first and then it's just me and my horrible mornings, ruined by my fucked up brain, until Lee wakes up. I usually can't get back to sleep, especially after going into "fucked up stupid girl panic mode". The adrenaline and fear and whatnot just destroys any chance of falling back to sleep no matter how early I woke up. The problem with anxiety like that is that it makes you afraid to get out of bed too. Afraid that if you get out of bed, the things in your head might turn out to be real.

I pull out of it in the end. I have to. Or I'd be a quivering shattered mess every day for school. It just sucks. It sucks so much and I want it to stop. I want to stop being a stupid anxiety filled mess of a girl and I want my stupid brain to stop spinning these webs of horror every time I wake up earlier than necessary. I want to stop irrationally feeling hated when Lee rolls away while sleeping. I want mornings to not be this way anymore.

I don't want to be this stupid and damaged anymore.
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
One of my housemates has been seriously hostile lately. Everything I do is wrong somehow or subject to snarky asinine comment these days. I get why it is. He doesn't like change and things are changing a little. We're not necessarily as close as we used to be and my attention isn't all on him like it was when all of us moved in at first and only had each other.

This is sort of the natural effect of having a partner move in, but his response hasn't been to try to set up more things for us to do. It's to be a hostile ass with me. The worst part is, we even fucking talked about this and he brought up his concerns and worries. I made huge compromises, telling him stuff about me that very few people know so he could know why I'd been so withdrawn and hurting lately.

But still I get the snark. Still I get the insults. Still he's being hostile when I just want to get to fucking school or get through the day. I don't need that shit in my fucking home. This is where I live. It's supposed to be a safe place, not a place where I'm constantly getting verbally attacked because he thinks its funny or is pissed off with me.

I've told him about this shit. I've told him I don't appreciate it and I'm tired of it. I've told him that I didn't like it when we were in the dorms and I don't like it now.

Me and Lee had left out some dishes by accident and we didn't realize they were ours. He showed us that they were and we apologized and handled them. Then he decided to say, "yeah, we aren't your cleanup crew" and I was like, "I'm aware of that, I never asked you to be."

He says he said the comment to explain why he didn't put away our dishes, which is a "what the fuck" moment in and of itself as it's been abundantly fucking clear in this house that people put their own dishes into the sink. I even have a persistent reminder in my calendar program from a previous fucking conversation with him about the dish issue.

And even if that was the way he meant it? It still came off as a hostile verbal poke, after we had fucking apologized and after Lee had cleared the dishes already. It wasn't fucking necessary to further rub our faces in it and that is exactly how I (and I assume Lee, based on the short talk we had before I left for school) saw it.

I ask him why he felt it necessary to fucking poke us after we had apologized and he pulls out this explanation bullshit and proceeds to bitch me out for having a problem with it. It finally ends with him realized that I felt like he was being hostile and a jerk and him pointing out that he doesn't give a shit how I felt about it.

So I basically told him, "fine, you don't give a shit that I think you were a hostile ass for no good reason and you don't give a shit about how I feel. We'll leave it the fuck at that." and I stormed off when he parked the car. I have a class with him in a half hour and I'm still upset.

I dunno. I'm starting to regret moving in with someone like him. I thought he'd be less of an asshole in a living space or that he'd calmed down a little after leaving the dorms. But it seems like his only way to deal with situations he doesn't like is to be a complete douchebag to everyone around him.

I'm fucking tired of it and I'm really wondering sometimes if this is a good place for me to live in.


Feb. 2nd, 2009 11:16 pm
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
You know that things are going to take a lot of work when one of you breaks down because of past memories being triggered and then the other is immediately triggered in the same way because of how the first one is comforted.

It's worth it, to figure out how to do things right and to help each other get past the things that hurt us in the past. And I'm glad we're both doing it instead of just letting the wounds fester like we both used to.

Just... it's really hard. Sometimes I want to cry from how hard it is. Both of us were hurt so badly and I feel like neither of us will be fully healed. And it's really really hard to work towards a goal you don't even know you can reach. Especially now that it's the both of us and not just the one. Now I have all this baggage and horrible memories and occasional flashbacks to plague me too and that makes me a lot less effective in helping.

One of the worst (and most ironic) feelings in the world is trying to choke back and hide your tears so a person you love won't feel guilty for being hurt.... out of feeling guilty yourself that you're hurt at the same time as that person.


It seems really irrational and counterproductive and ironic and stupid when it isn't happening... ugh. Now I feel like an idiot. I should wrap this up before I start crying again.
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
Good news. My cough has mostly gone away.

Bad news. Either as the cause of it going away or just coincidentally along side it, I managed to swallow a chunk of potato from some way too hot soup and burn the ever living crap out of my throat.

So now I can barely swallow solids and swallowing liquids is painful, from both the swelling and the burnt flesh pain. And it's even a little hard to talk without pain because my vocal cords are pulling on the muscles of my throat, which is pulling the burnt flesh in the food tube.

So yeah, me and soup aren't on good terms right now.


dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
Stress is really working a number on me. I know I have anxiety problems. This has been established time and time again. But this midterm has really fired up those problems like crazy.

It's stuff that isn't hard to remember and it's stuff I should know. But I keep blanking out and getting tired out from the stress and anxiety. The whole experience just makes me wonder if I can handle this midterm or whether I'll fuck it up badly or something. I'm sorely tempted to go to sleep now and wake up early tomorrow and study more then.

Sometimes I really wonder what the hell possessed me to come back for a grad degree. x_x


dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
Sophia Lafergola

October 2010

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