dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
I know I haven't posted in a while. Sorries!

Excuse the errors and typoes. I am operating on about 4 hours of sleep in the last 27 hours. x_x

I went to a local anime convention, got a table with a good friend of mine and we sold art to anime geeks. I didn't make nearly as much of a profit as her but I still pulled off a profit. It was really nice. The most popular pieces of art was a sort of bladed armored snake thing (I actually ran out of prints it was so popular!), a wolf/vine mix on a tree and some render work I did with Apop.

Unfortunately most of my art was too weird and not cute enough to really appeal to the high school age anime kids that populated this convention.

Well the except the wolf/vine thing. The young girl that bought it was so adorable about it. She just pulled out the cost money and looked at me with one of those, "plzcanhaz?" looks. I said, "what would you like, honey?"

And she just pointed at the wolf/vine piece and made the look again. I couldn't help but smile because she was so freaking adorable and shy about it. So she paid me and I gave her a print of it. And then she held it to her chest, squeed and said, "ohmygod it's so pretty!" and ran off! Most adorable moment of the entire convention!

Rune (who was an absolute darling and waited in line with me. <3 my sister) also managed to get all the boys in a tizzy over me by basically pressing me against a wall all sexy like. Not just once, but twice. So it was amusing to watch the nerdy boys falling over themselves to peer at us as she fake flirted with me for amusement.  It did backfire though as the creepy boys paid a lot more attention to me than I'm comfortable with though. Or maybe I'm just hot or something. I've got no clue anymore.

I also got to chat up a really cute Asian-American girl who was selling nintendo related knit plushies. I wish she had them ready enough to sell (she only had the samples up for decoration) because she had a little knit plushie Navi and I wanted it sooooo badly!

Those were my high points. There were low points too.

I saw someone who looked exactly like my abusive ex in the line for registration and over the course of the day several times. And when I say exactly, I mean exactly. Same hair. Same teeth structure. Same facial shape. Same voice. Same eyebrows. Same height even. The only differences being that she had a little more meat on her bones than my ex (enough to make her simply look healthier not fat) and had red dyed hair.

The simularities were so close that for a few seconds I had the terrifying thought that my ex had actually come to my city and was coming after me somehow. I almost went into a panic attack in the line but Rune and Mercy were there and I managed to hold myself together until the lookalike was out of view. Mostly because Rune told me in no uncertain terms that she would protect me lethally if my ex ever came after me. It sucks how helpless I feel in that situation, and I hate the idea of even needing protection, but the thought of my ex just puts me into frozen panic still. I'm getting better but it takes time.

We also had to wait in line for two fucking hours. And I still didn't sell nearly as much as Mercy did. It was... unpleasant... to sell so little when she sold ten billion things. Discouraging was probably a better word. I really don't know if I want to sell at that con in the future because of how discouraging it was. And I know that she was doing her best to encourage me, but I felt like shit about people just glancing at one page of my art book and moving on. It wasn't the right market for my art style, I knew this beforehand. But it still sucks.

And there was a fucking bee in the car on the way back! I admit to crying, freaking out and generally making a fool of myself. To the point of actually ducking and rolling out of the car when Mercy's boyfriend came to a stop. >.< Yeah, I know, I'm sad.



We did go out to get steak at Ruby Tuesday's afterwards though, which was nice. And I'll get to curl up in my bed with Lee tonight so overall it's not a terrible day.  The steak was so tasty and the dessert was too. ^^

Mornings

Mar. 9th, 2009 11:02 am
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
I hate mornings.

Lee's asleep, soundly, and probably didn't notice the anxiety attack I managed to induce in myself like a fucking idiot. What did I think was going to happen if I laid in bed and just thought after the alarm woke me up around 10:30?

Mornings. Ugh. The worst time for me because there's no safety net and there's no distractions. Just me, cold, not quite alone (but might as well be since my partner sleeps like a brick) and able to wander the fucked up labyrinths of horror in my mind without anything to stop me.

Being the stupid person I am, I obviously fail to prevent these wanderings.

So my mind, being as fucked up as it is, creates scenarios. Like waking nightmares usually. Like this morning, where my thought patterns decided to go down the path of one of my friends talking to my ex partner about what had happened to me and what my ex had done to me. And then that same ex partner calling my house and trying to track me down. The idea is nothing short of terrifying and one for which I really don't have a defense for. I guess it's normal to feel this way about someone who hurts you in that specific, very traumatic way. Well as much as the word "normal" can ever be applied to someone like me...

So I manage to terrify myself completely in a span of several minutes and spend a good fifteen minutes to a half in hour shaking and on the verge of tears. The loneliness doesn't help either. I get lonely a lot and mornings are no exception.

I can't expect someone out like a light to hold me or cuddle but ugh it fucking hurts to curl up next to someone you love and for that person to roll over and face the other way due to deep sleep. Especially when you're on the verge of panic and just need someone, anyone to make it feel a little bit okay.

I'm always the one awake first. I don't know why. I blindfold myself and tend to be sleep deprived. But without fail, I wake up first and then it's just me and my horrible mornings, ruined by my fucked up brain, until Lee wakes up. I usually can't get back to sleep, especially after going into "fucked up stupid girl panic mode". The adrenaline and fear and whatnot just destroys any chance of falling back to sleep no matter how early I woke up. The problem with anxiety like that is that it makes you afraid to get out of bed too. Afraid that if you get out of bed, the things in your head might turn out to be real.

I pull out of it in the end. I have to. Or I'd be a quivering shattered mess every day for school. It just sucks. It sucks so much and I want it to stop. I want to stop being a stupid anxiety filled mess of a girl and I want my stupid brain to stop spinning these webs of horror every time I wake up earlier than necessary. I want to stop irrationally feeling hated when Lee rolls away while sleeping. I want mornings to not be this way anymore.

I don't want to be this stupid and damaged anymore.

*sigh*

Feb. 2nd, 2009 11:16 pm
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
You know that things are going to take a lot of work when one of you breaks down because of past memories being triggered and then the other is immediately triggered in the same way because of how the first one is comforted.

It's worth it, to figure out how to do things right and to help each other get past the things that hurt us in the past. And I'm glad we're both doing it instead of just letting the wounds fester like we both used to.

Just... it's really hard. Sometimes I want to cry from how hard it is. Both of us were hurt so badly and I feel like neither of us will be fully healed. And it's really really hard to work towards a goal you don't even know you can reach. Especially now that it's the both of us and not just the one. Now I have all this baggage and horrible memories and occasional flashbacks to plague me too and that makes me a lot less effective in helping.

One of the worst (and most ironic) feelings in the world is trying to choke back and hide your tears so a person you love won't feel guilty for being hurt.... out of feeling guilty yourself that you're hurt at the same time as that person.

x_x

It seems really irrational and counterproductive and ironic and stupid when it isn't happening... ugh. Now I feel like an idiot. I should wrap this up before I start crying again.

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dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
Sophia Lafergola

October 2010

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