Doubt

Jun. 23rd, 2009 10:33 pm
dieselsandwich: (pain)
Doubt can be the most crippling thing a person can experience. It can strip your will, burn your energy, crush your spirit and prevent any attempt at doing any single thing that it orientates itself around.

It's a lot worse when you know that doubt is based on some very reasonable concerns. I've found myself literally having to fight the urge to give up completely because of it in the past.

Now is no different.

I hate having ADD. I hate the doubts it creates about what I can or can't do. I hate how valid those doubts actually are. I hate how much it cuts my legs out from under me.

Urgh. All my life. I can't ever escape this.

Sometimes I wonder if I can function in life at all...
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (awesome)
WE HAVE A CAR!

This is just part of a long trend of more and more committed things Lee and I have done with each other. It really blows my mind in the end. This is the longest healthy fulfilling relationship I have had ever. Sans none. Only one other relationship has been nearly as long term but it wasn't healthy nor was it fulfilling. It was an abusive clusterfuck of a relationship that we're both still trying to heal from (we're both poly in case you didn't read my profile.)

We've been together for more than two years, moved in together, bought a car together, it's crazy. I never thought I'd be able to look at someone and think, with this person, forever doesn't seem so scary anymore.

It really was one of those love at first sight situations. We met at a Blind Guardian concert of all places (we had planned to go together as friends as we had only been good friends online). When we met the electricity just sparked between us. We were both showing that sort of "oh wow I like you so much it's scary" nervous deer in the headlights look for the beginning.

We both stumbled over words and generally made fools of ourselves to each other. But did that impact anything badly? Nope. Both of us fell utterly head over heels for each other. Hehe, Lee even mentioned once about how hard it had been not to jump on me at that moment because I looked so unbelievably sexy when I was headbanging to the metal that BG was playing. And it wasn't just attraction either. We clicked so totally and completely. We talked for hours and hours in the shitty hotel we had together. We also had sex that night, completely unexpectedly.

It just sort of happened. And it was amazing. I guess right there was the first time I had ever had anyone make love to me before and had ever done the same for anyone else. The ride home I was all bubbly and floaty and Lee was all grins. We started officially dating shortly after and went for a short period of time before we both met the other individual who I won't disclose the name of.

The abuse that ex put us through, the damage that ex did, it almost broke us apart. That ex took advantage of Lee's paranoia on a regular basis, trying to turn us against each other. Even tried to create drama in Lee's family and shatter those bonds. That ex drugged me regularly using painkillers and even struck me a few times. Other stuff happened that I won't go into here, but needless to say when we both finally escaped that abusive situation the pressure and stress took its toll.

Things were iffy for a short while afterwards. Lee was staying with some mutual friends instead of heading home (due to the fired up paranoia) and even with my visiting we still were having issues and arguments and bad cycles. But as we healed up a bit and Lee got back to the family and I severed every tie with our ex I could, things improved. We got better and the arguments and issues faded. We learned through that adversity that talking about issues and problems right away and working to solve things instead of expecting everything to work perfectly was the best way to go. And neither of us adopted a stance of broken china with each other. Instead of treating each other like we were fragile, we both learned the best way to be respectful and mindful, while still having a dynamic growing relationship.

Our love blossomed even more now that the terrible storm was past and I know I marveled at just how good we both were for each other (Lee prolly has marveled at it too). I know most of our friends have certainly commented on how much we make each other's lives better. We moved in together after careful thinking, planning and working (no rushing) and now we have a car together.

I can't imagine what's next after I get out of school and we move again but whatever it is, I'm looking forward to it. And enjoying myself immensely now. This is love, people. This is what love brings and does. It's work and sometimes hard work but the way you feel with that special person (or special people for my lovely poly brothers and sisters and me and Lee if we find another partner we care for) makes it all beyond worth it. That's love, for me.

I'm in love.

And forever doesn't seem so scary anymore. I know just who I want to spend it with.
<3


dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
Every once in a while an epic mistake is made by a company with their clientele. For instance, say you're a member of the GLBT community using LiveJournal as your blog on GLBT issues. And say an anti gay marriage ad pops up on your friends page.

Well it happened. It was also resolved so don't think that LJ needs to be smacked around with righteous fury right now.

But it raises some thoughts in the face of the Amazon debacle and other interactions between companies and the GLBT community. How far is too far? Obviously the ad in question is from a smear group perpetrating libel and idiocy about gay marriage activists and even if it was a classy example of an anti gay marriage ad, putting it on a GLBT person's journal is stupid as fuck and a definite violation of her safe space. So yanking that ad was a good call.

Same with the Amazon fiasco. It was way out of line, taking all the GLBT books off the ratings system, if that's even something they did on purpose. Theories abound that meta trolling* was to blame, or that it's a grand corporate conspiracy to screw over the GLBT community. Others claim it was a glitch. But either way we as a culture abhor censorship. So where should the line be drawn between acceptable and unacceptable?

I don't have any answers myself really. Most of these situations are less than black and white. Sometimes we as a community overreact our asses off. But sometimes we don't hit genuine bigotry hard enough and pay for it later. Alternately, some groups just want to point out that their view on marriage is so and so and the rest are running a propaganda and smear campaign full of lies and hate speech. To be honest, I can't say I'm comfortable with even censoring hate speech in public zones. Certainly in safe spaces, rented areas, places where we have some level of ownership, we have a lot more rights to censor and adjust what comes in. Places like LJ and social sites like facebook can censor certain things for the benefit of their users.

In fact I would say they have a responsibility to honor their users' needs for a safe environment to operate in. If they don't provide it, then the users are well within their rights to raise shit about it or leave the service to go to better fits. LJ lost one customer to an extent when [livejournal.com profile] snugglebitch moved on to Dreamwidth, but they did at least work to fix the problem so others don't get hit too.

I guess the question is, what the fuck were they thinking to begin with? And the answer is, they weren't.

In the end, that's why these clusterfucks happen. Companies don't think. They don't plan for the possibility that they could piss off a very upset and generally disenfranchised community, who would have pretty valid reasons to take their business elsewhere. Amazon's system, if struck by metatrolling, was far too easy of a target. It was automated and likely didn't have an effective flood control. It should have at least been heavily monitored for spamming. Even if it was a glitch, that's one hell of a glitch, and something you really should keep an eye out on.

LJ didn't think either. It probably didn't occur to them that there were internet groups buying space trying to sink gay marriage with hate speech and bullshit. So instead of regulating their third party source, or doing their own ads, they let things run automatically and got screwed for it.

Planning is everything. Look into scenarios. Check your demographic. In the end, the only one to blame if your company fucks up and pisses off a huge community is you. Just the way the world works.

*Note: Meta trolling is a method of trolling wherein you get two groups to attack or troll each other with subtle efforts. You don't visibly troll either one but you are the actual cause of their reactions. Meta trolling can involve dropping a controversial subject into two groups that are already tense, or in the case of Amazon, spam flagging all GLBT, rape survivor and feminist stuff for adult content so that Amazon's automated system removed it all. This would piss off the GLBT community and Amazon wouldn't know what was going on till too late.

dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
I know I haven't posted in a while. Sorries!

Excuse the errors and typoes. I am operating on about 4 hours of sleep in the last 27 hours. x_x

I went to a local anime convention, got a table with a good friend of mine and we sold art to anime geeks. I didn't make nearly as much of a profit as her but I still pulled off a profit. It was really nice. The most popular pieces of art was a sort of bladed armored snake thing (I actually ran out of prints it was so popular!), a wolf/vine mix on a tree and some render work I did with Apop.

Unfortunately most of my art was too weird and not cute enough to really appeal to the high school age anime kids that populated this convention.

Well the except the wolf/vine thing. The young girl that bought it was so adorable about it. She just pulled out the cost money and looked at me with one of those, "plzcanhaz?" looks. I said, "what would you like, honey?"

And she just pointed at the wolf/vine piece and made the look again. I couldn't help but smile because she was so freaking adorable and shy about it. So she paid me and I gave her a print of it. And then she held it to her chest, squeed and said, "ohmygod it's so pretty!" and ran off! Most adorable moment of the entire convention!

Rune (who was an absolute darling and waited in line with me. <3 my sister) also managed to get all the boys in a tizzy over me by basically pressing me against a wall all sexy like. Not just once, but twice. So it was amusing to watch the nerdy boys falling over themselves to peer at us as she fake flirted with me for amusement.  It did backfire though as the creepy boys paid a lot more attention to me than I'm comfortable with though. Or maybe I'm just hot or something. I've got no clue anymore.

I also got to chat up a really cute Asian-American girl who was selling nintendo related knit plushies. I wish she had them ready enough to sell (she only had the samples up for decoration) because she had a little knit plushie Navi and I wanted it sooooo badly!

Those were my high points. There were low points too.

I saw someone who looked exactly like my abusive ex in the line for registration and over the course of the day several times. And when I say exactly, I mean exactly. Same hair. Same teeth structure. Same facial shape. Same voice. Same eyebrows. Same height even. The only differences being that she had a little more meat on her bones than my ex (enough to make her simply look healthier not fat) and had red dyed hair.

The simularities were so close that for a few seconds I had the terrifying thought that my ex had actually come to my city and was coming after me somehow. I almost went into a panic attack in the line but Rune and Mercy were there and I managed to hold myself together until the lookalike was out of view. Mostly because Rune told me in no uncertain terms that she would protect me lethally if my ex ever came after me. It sucks how helpless I feel in that situation, and I hate the idea of even needing protection, but the thought of my ex just puts me into frozen panic still. I'm getting better but it takes time.

We also had to wait in line for two fucking hours. And I still didn't sell nearly as much as Mercy did. It was... unpleasant... to sell so little when she sold ten billion things. Discouraging was probably a better word. I really don't know if I want to sell at that con in the future because of how discouraging it was. And I know that she was doing her best to encourage me, but I felt like shit about people just glancing at one page of my art book and moving on. It wasn't the right market for my art style, I knew this beforehand. But it still sucks.

And there was a fucking bee in the car on the way back! I admit to crying, freaking out and generally making a fool of myself. To the point of actually ducking and rolling out of the car when Mercy's boyfriend came to a stop. >.< Yeah, I know, I'm sad.



We did go out to get steak at Ruby Tuesday's afterwards though, which was nice. And I'll get to curl up in my bed with Lee tonight so overall it's not a terrible day.  The steak was so tasty and the dessert was too. ^^

Bills

Mar. 27th, 2009 02:11 pm
dieselsandwich: (pain)
We're feeling the clench of the economy's poor state.

Our rent is around 284 dollars a month and food + utilities costs float around 400 a month approximately. I don't have a very good job. It pays very little and gives me very little hours. Lee is still searching for a job. Neither of our accounts can handle this much drain for very long.

I'm starting to hit the point where I wonder whether we can stay in this house. Our housemates are great people and we all feel like a family together. I wouldn't want to leave them behind. But the affordability has become an issue. Townhouses are expensive. Even split among four people and with two of them having paid the rent in full in the beginning of the year, we're still struggling.

Rose is behind on her payments because her job's paychecks are iffy at best (she works for her dad on his website and I'm not sure if she's even been paid yet for services rendered). Me and John have covered our costs completely for the entire year but we're feeling the pinch on the food costs. Mouse only covers food costs and minor ultilities, not rent and rent is where we're in trouble.

Because of communication issues, Lee wasn't aware of when the rent was due and how long we had coverage for by me and John paying in full our parts. I don't know what's going on with Rose as I just found out about this today. But suffice it to say she hasn't been paying either most likely due to communication issues.

Which means that we're behind 800 dollars and it's due by the 6th of April. Or there will be court papers.

I'm helping Lee cover these last few months, but I can't do this forever. And I'm wondering how well we can cover these bills even with slightly above min wage jobs each. Moving may be the only option. And it's a decision we really need to make in the next two weeks so John and Rose can find new housemates.

Just when I was finally settled down, near poverty raises its ugly head and changes everything.

>.<

Mornings

Mar. 9th, 2009 11:02 am
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
I hate mornings.

Lee's asleep, soundly, and probably didn't notice the anxiety attack I managed to induce in myself like a fucking idiot. What did I think was going to happen if I laid in bed and just thought after the alarm woke me up around 10:30?

Mornings. Ugh. The worst time for me because there's no safety net and there's no distractions. Just me, cold, not quite alone (but might as well be since my partner sleeps like a brick) and able to wander the fucked up labyrinths of horror in my mind without anything to stop me.

Being the stupid person I am, I obviously fail to prevent these wanderings.

So my mind, being as fucked up as it is, creates scenarios. Like waking nightmares usually. Like this morning, where my thought patterns decided to go down the path of one of my friends talking to my ex partner about what had happened to me and what my ex had done to me. And then that same ex partner calling my house and trying to track me down. The idea is nothing short of terrifying and one for which I really don't have a defense for. I guess it's normal to feel this way about someone who hurts you in that specific, very traumatic way. Well as much as the word "normal" can ever be applied to someone like me...

So I manage to terrify myself completely in a span of several minutes and spend a good fifteen minutes to a half in hour shaking and on the verge of tears. The loneliness doesn't help either. I get lonely a lot and mornings are no exception.

I can't expect someone out like a light to hold me or cuddle but ugh it fucking hurts to curl up next to someone you love and for that person to roll over and face the other way due to deep sleep. Especially when you're on the verge of panic and just need someone, anyone to make it feel a little bit okay.

I'm always the one awake first. I don't know why. I blindfold myself and tend to be sleep deprived. But without fail, I wake up first and then it's just me and my horrible mornings, ruined by my fucked up brain, until Lee wakes up. I usually can't get back to sleep, especially after going into "fucked up stupid girl panic mode". The adrenaline and fear and whatnot just destroys any chance of falling back to sleep no matter how early I woke up. The problem with anxiety like that is that it makes you afraid to get out of bed too. Afraid that if you get out of bed, the things in your head might turn out to be real.

I pull out of it in the end. I have to. Or I'd be a quivering shattered mess every day for school. It just sucks. It sucks so much and I want it to stop. I want to stop being a stupid anxiety filled mess of a girl and I want my stupid brain to stop spinning these webs of horror every time I wake up earlier than necessary. I want to stop irrationally feeling hated when Lee rolls away while sleeping. I want mornings to not be this way anymore.

I don't want to be this stupid and damaged anymore.

OMFG PORTAL

Mar. 5th, 2009 01:06 am
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (awesome)
I don't normally talk about video games on here. Not for any particular reason, it just never occurred to me to do so.

But Portal. OMFG Portal. I was actually giggling and gasping and reacting. The game was one of the first few to entertain, creep out, amuse and challenge me all at the same time. It just blew me away. And this is even with all the hype which you would think would have killed it for me. I had read all the reviews, heard my friends gush about it before I could play it.

I bought it relatively early on but I couldn't play it on my computer. I had to use my partner's compy instead. Even so the wait was worth it. The game was amazing. I loved every moment of it. The homicidal and crazy computer, the telltale bloody writing in the gun gauntlets, the exceptional dark humor of it all, the genuinely challenging and interesting.

There was one puzzle where I wasn't sure if I was going to make it across and actually started gasping and basically freaking out when I made it. To the point that one of my housemates called down to "get a room" essentially because it apparently sounded like naughty sounds o_O

I was giddy and Lee got such a giant kick out of it too. When I beat the game (and the final part was genuinely challenging and scary with timers) I was so happy that I didn't even mind that my leg had gone numb from poor circulation and being crossed for too long.

Oh wow I just loved the game. And there were totally lesbian undertones in there. GLaDOS wanted Chell, in her crazy way. AND THE PHYSICS. OMFG THE PHYSICS. Sometimes I just fired two portals over each other and jumped through them to fall forever. Or fired portals in interesting places to make things fly through them or jump up and down using gravity for kicks. Oh wow it was just so much damn fun.

The game was brilliant and I don't normally say that.

No seriously, I'm a whiny complainer. I always find something to bitch about in a game. Sometime that yanks me out of the environment or annoys me. Portal did not do this. Not once. I was sucked in so much that I couldn't stop playing for food until Lee dragged me off the computer.

And the ending song and credits. Oh wow. Oh my. Hehehehee, I loved that game.

<3

...o_O

Feb. 18th, 2009 09:08 pm
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
I can't seem to stop shaking. It isn't a bad shaking, although it makes it hard to walk straight, but it isn't terribly pleasant either. I dunno if it's the massage chair being on too long, or anxiety from this awful nasty rough week or too much caffeine or something

But whatever the hell is causing me to shake so much, I'd appreciate it stopping now. Thanks.
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
One of my housemates has been seriously hostile lately. Everything I do is wrong somehow or subject to snarky asinine comment these days. I get why it is. He doesn't like change and things are changing a little. We're not necessarily as close as we used to be and my attention isn't all on him like it was when all of us moved in at first and only had each other.

This is sort of the natural effect of having a partner move in, but his response hasn't been to try to set up more things for us to do. It's to be a hostile ass with me. The worst part is, we even fucking talked about this and he brought up his concerns and worries. I made huge compromises, telling him stuff about me that very few people know so he could know why I'd been so withdrawn and hurting lately.

But still I get the snark. Still I get the insults. Still he's being hostile when I just want to get to fucking school or get through the day. I don't need that shit in my fucking home. This is where I live. It's supposed to be a safe place, not a place where I'm constantly getting verbally attacked because he thinks its funny or is pissed off with me.

I've told him about this shit. I've told him I don't appreciate it and I'm tired of it. I've told him that I didn't like it when we were in the dorms and I don't like it now.

Me and Lee had left out some dishes by accident and we didn't realize they were ours. He showed us that they were and we apologized and handled them. Then he decided to say, "yeah, we aren't your cleanup crew" and I was like, "I'm aware of that, I never asked you to be."

He says he said the comment to explain why he didn't put away our dishes, which is a "what the fuck" moment in and of itself as it's been abundantly fucking clear in this house that people put their own dishes into the sink. I even have a persistent reminder in my calendar program from a previous fucking conversation with him about the dish issue.

And even if that was the way he meant it? It still came off as a hostile verbal poke, after we had fucking apologized and after Lee had cleared the dishes already. It wasn't fucking necessary to further rub our faces in it and that is exactly how I (and I assume Lee, based on the short talk we had before I left for school) saw it.

I ask him why he felt it necessary to fucking poke us after we had apologized and he pulls out this explanation bullshit and proceeds to bitch me out for having a problem with it. It finally ends with him realized that I felt like he was being hostile and a jerk and him pointing out that he doesn't give a shit how I felt about it.

So I basically told him, "fine, you don't give a shit that I think you were a hostile ass for no good reason and you don't give a shit about how I feel. We'll leave it the fuck at that." and I stormed off when he parked the car. I have a class with him in a half hour and I'm still upset.

I dunno. I'm starting to regret moving in with someone like him. I thought he'd be less of an asshole in a living space or that he'd calmed down a little after leaving the dorms. But it seems like his only way to deal with situations he doesn't like is to be a complete douchebag to everyone around him.

I'm fucking tired of it and I'm really wondering sometimes if this is a good place for me to live in.
dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
Things are wrapping up school wise for this quarter. Next one is going to be interesting. I'm actually slated to co author an article for a biochem journal on the wikibooks project that I'm involved in while still refining the site.

I've got my work cut out for me as a Wiki medium is rarely standardized even within the same page. And because most of the people who have worked on it are undergrads, the work is a little uneven (not to offend undergrads, many of you do great work, it's just that many don't and it shows when your group overall is evaluated). That being said, some of my kids (I TA'd the latest class working on the project) have done brilliant jobs and I've suggested to the professor I'm working with that they be brought on board later for independent study or undergrad research for this project.

Another interesting thing I'm doing is the Alternate Reality Game class. It's the first game design class I've ever taken and I'm going in as a writer. This kind of thing should really help me get back into practice, as I haven't written a whole lot in a while. I get to take that class with my sister in arms, which already makes it a million times more awesome. But the fact that I'm branching out to such a huge degree is so very cool too. I never expected to be a writer at all, much less doing things in game design writing. I really hope that it helps fire me up again so I can get back to writing my sci fi piece.

I also really need someone to smack me so I don't forget to start sending in my fantasy piece to publishers. Because it is done and I have it on good authority that it's good (knowing not to trust my assessment to my own reasonably stereotypical dislike of my own work). Basically all I need is a suitable title and then I can start bugging publishers.

And oh fuck wow, if I get published I will cry so many tears of joy and hug everyone I can find.

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dieselsandwich: A picture of me with purple hair (Default)
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